if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
