3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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