he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
