pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
