Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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