So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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