nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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