Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
