Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she pinky promised me she was 18
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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