I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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