please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
