I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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