I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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