I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
