just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
