Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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