i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
