I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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