Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
