i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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