So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
