i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
