I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
