Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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