My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
