This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize