I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
