She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
