She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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