YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize