Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
