I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
