Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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