Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
