I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
