I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
not ubering you a puppy
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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