Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
