you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i came on her dog
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
