My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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