my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
