I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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