Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
