I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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