i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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