who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize