No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You ruined the universe
Randomize
