Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
