A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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