I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
