he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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