Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
