Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
