I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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