seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
