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Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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