yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
