You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
