Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God I need to hump something, right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
