When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
