I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
