I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
