she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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