I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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