gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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