we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
