I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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