do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
