I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
