i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
