In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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